This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
