he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
