I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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