Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
40s are totally the cure
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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