I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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