Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
