She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
