just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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