She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
