found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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