If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
