I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Vodka?
Forever.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
