So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
