He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
