cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
