I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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