running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just want to make out with him forever
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
