I will die if light touches me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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