Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
