if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The air was thick with penises
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
