Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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