Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
