Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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