im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
