Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
