I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have surprise drugs for everyone
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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