I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
