You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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