well I can't set my house on fire every night
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
