they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
