I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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