it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
