I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
