I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
