Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
