did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
