Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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