If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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