I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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