dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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