Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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