I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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