apparently the secret to your success is patron
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
