Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
