Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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