the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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