How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
