I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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