Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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