I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
