we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
